WTH IS WRONG WITH ME

the mind and the heart

I was agreeing with aprilyn how our minds and hearts can go in opposite directions. It’s a real struggle, when your mind rationalizes situations in a calm, mature manner yet your heart cannot help but feel everything negative and immature. I would admit that in the past, my mind used to dictate or perhaps mask how my heart feels but it’s all different now. i feel emotions of all sorts and my mind cannot rationalize enough to keep up with it.

Arghs.

I didn’t quite mention, that these past few months, besides him, i had given up, run away, dwelled bitterly in what i thought i have lost. Friends, dance, anything that i held on dearly to. A beloved friend told me she always knew me as someone who believes in living life to the fullest, who appreciates the small yet beautiful things in life. I had changed, knowingly, but not knowing why. You know after going through all these whirlwinds of quarter-life crisis transitions, and entering a new phase of my life come next monday, i have a sudden revelation. (Of course that only happened after a long rejuvenating bus ride home and an awakening cup of caramel macchiato.) The thing is, i still don’t know what i want to do,well i never did, but i know that the old me still remains. They merely broke into fragments which became pieced up again. i still want to hold on to what i love and believe in. i want to gaze at the brilliant blue sky and relish at the beauty of basics. i want to marvel and experience the wonders of the world out there. i want to live a life with no regrets. Whatever comes my way as i tread onto a new path, i just want to stay true to myself. Gladly, fortunately, lucky me, i know this revelation is not too late. I have him, the friends whom i did and still love, i have the whole world in front of me. Now i think i have the renewed strength and faith to move on.

apple apple

I decided to make a comeback! Hahaha.

I suddenly miss the apple farm that we visited in Sweden. From the endless rows of apple trees outside, to the apple curtains, the apple tissue-container, the apple paintings to the apple crumble and apple tea, everything was so amazing.

I took 117 photos on this short apple trip. I miss the times we’d make our poor cameras work out their bones to the fullest.

a rollercoaster ride

i have decided to move on elsewhere to pen my silly thoughts. it’s time to say bye bye (bye) to cobbledstonestreets. catch me if you can!

Cest La Vie

With this last snippet, it is indeed time to take a huge piece of the past, embrace the present and move on.

Date: 10 DECEMBER 2007
Title: Farewell

Life is all about settling down, adapting, and then having to pack your bags and leave, settle down and move on again. I feel like every chapter of my life is akin to reading a well-written book, encrypted with tales of laughter, joy and tears. It starts with a mixed pot of emotions – creeping apprehension, initial excitement, anticipation. You read on and find yourself being absorbed deeper and deeper into the expedition previously unknown. New discoveries transform into humdrum routines, and jigsaw bits start to piece up neatly. Then you flip pages after pages, wanting to find out more, at the same time realizing the more you flip, the faster time flies and the sooner you’ll reach the end. As you savour every bit of the last chapter and finally close the book, you sigh in satisfaction. Contented, yet discontented; bitter yet sweet. You wish there’s more, and you can only hope the next book would be good, too, if not better.

Hall Life

Date: 10 March 2006

“Tech run at MOS the day before got me all excited to perform! The place the sound system the great dances everything! Last day at function room before the productions was great fun too. We went crazy sewing our costumes and doing the powerpoint slides which were not used in the performance in the end! All the world peace, north pole south pole, moulin rouge song and crappy terms we came up with. Hahaha. Linda and I started practicing our dances when it was going to be say 6am in the morning. Utter madness! Felt the lethargy setting in when we woke up for lunch.

Then everything started and ended unknowingly. Thanks to all my friends who came down to support, including my two dear sisters and brother-in-law! And those who msged me luck namely gandie, boon, jason, kwan, colin, sin, alan, jeremy and the notes from min and zes! Thanks sweeties! Forgive my wrong timings, slippery heels and expression at times k. I was too nervous! Haha. And so some of us partied all the way till 4+ am and had some clean good fun. Da mao kept opening bottles of red wine! Not to mention clara damon cheong and I went high on pratas at fong seng. And i mean really high. Haha.”

Date: 15 March 2006

“After chocolate and strawberry waffles, five nuggets, omelette with cheese and cold chrysanthemum tea for supper (hey yiwen ate more okay), i spent last night singing songs with yiwen and jess till 4am! Oh man i really think i should start sleeping early soon. Anyways some songs were really nostalgic! Sorry girls if i disturbed you two with my beautiful singing. Hehe.”

Date: 22 March 2006

“It was really fun playing cards with yiwen last night. From A219 to fongseng then back to A219, we were high on playing crazy ten (not horse ah yiwen). Even the uncle laughed at me! Yiwen and i should seriously start sleeping early and stop playing mahjong with people till wee hours of the night. Fri night with jason james. Sat with the d4 pple. And chatting with the girl till daybreak. Had a mind to go macs for delicious breakfast but we fell asleep shortly after making the decision. Hahaha!”
OMG yiwen we actually played crazy ten at fong seng!!!

Date: 30 March 2006

Dance Uncensored is finally over! The feeling was better than dance production night actually. We put in so much effort into this – learning, practising and polishing the entire dance in one week. It’s unbelievable! And i kind of screwed up the first night, so i made sure the same mistakes didn’t happen last night! It was really fun performing though i still get the butterflies in my stomach but last night we were really all into the song. Yay. Will not forget all the practises in function room, my gigantic blue blacks, bubble teas, the choiii-aw-aw-aw, the jokes we made and all the fun we had. “

Date: 1 April 2006

“Reading the captions on aprilyn�s photo album aka journal makes me want to write this down. I’m really happy i got much closer to that crazy girl and we talked so much crap after this whole dance uncensored thing. Way better than the starhub days! It�s really true how weird and uncomfortable I felt when I first learnt winnie’s seduction dance. Was still telling my friends that I was so not going to make it. All the sexy moves and grooving with the music. It’s just not me! But after all the practices especially dance uncensored, I’m more receptive and willing to execute the moves. It’s like being a changed person on stage, but I’m still the same old me after that. Guess dance, in simpler terms, is an expression. A beautiful way of bringing the emotions across with your body. Despite the usual stage fright and panic, I’ve grown to enjoy performing and discover more about the realms of dance. From a person who stoned and almost freaked out during pageant photo shoots, I guess I’ve more self-confidence now, though aprilyn said it’s still lacking in me. But I’m still me, in case you’ve been wondering.”

A Passion Found, and Lost

Temasek Hall Softball Team 06/07.

The Most Beloved

A417, my most beloved room. The one that many people have come visit and the one that i so dreaded leaving.

Being Busy Bee

Date: 15 JANUARY 2007
Title: 48/7

“Sometimes i really wonder whether i’m asking for it. Being so busy and all. Aprilyn and yiwen call me IRON LADY coz i’m involved in both sports and cultural sides. Haha. Right from last sem, i could already predict myself being a busy bee this coming sem. E.g today is a sunday and i already knew my schedule is packed to the max this whole week. Tennis training and tennis IHG on monday, softball training and linda’s dance on tuesday, Blast! and badminton IHG on wed (and having to skip jacky’s dance damn), softball training and dance on thurs, productions rehearsal and dance on fri, softball IHG on sat and sun. Not to mention batting every night (which i really need) and having to choreograph both productions dance and TH dance. As you can tell, i can’t even afford to put my studies inside my list. As much as i grumble, i know i’m doing things i enjoy. Even productions, where i do hope to make the night club scene and gun battle fight turn out fine. So pardon me, friends, for a month or more.”